Wet Underwear

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Have you ever had those days where you just wish you could say whatever the hell was on your mind?

I have those days a lot.

But I know that if I say what I really think, that would result in black eyes, snotty noses, and wet underwear.

So I bite my tongue.

But! What if I COULD say what I was really thinking? Well here is my list of thoughts I have kept to myself, but really wish I couldn’t.

“How did you EVER graduate high school? Much less make it into college?”

“Yep, you’re stupid.”

“Get a room. No one wants to see all that groping. Plus you’re 16 years old and have a 45 year old ladies haircut. It’s gross. You’re gross.”

“Do you know how a stove works? Yeah, those little dials on the front…they turn the stove oooon and oooofff. When you turn the little dial to the right, the temperature increases. See those little numbers around the dial? Yeah, you should probably pay attention to those.”

“I feel sorry for any and all future children you may have.”

“Holy crap, you are going to have one ugly baby.”

“I’m soooo happy for you that your parents have coddled you your entire life. I’m sooooo happy for you that you have no idea what an energy or phone bill is. You have money? Great! Awesome! Never held a job? Great! Awesome. Good for you. You have a GREAT personality, that must be what is getting you through life. Yep, I betcha that’s it.”

“I’m soooo happy for you that you can go out and get drunk Thursday through Sunday and brag about it on Facebook. Takes real talent to toss back a couple shots and get on Facebook to tell the world about how awesome you are.”

“I’m sorry your life sucks and that you feel the need to complain about it all the time. But guess what? I really don’t care.”

“Why yes, I absolutely love being ignored by you. I love how I make an effort to get together and do something actually fun and you come up with excuses. I love how I text you every so often to see how you’re doing, but you never return the favor. You’re a shitty friend.”

“Yes, that hurt my feelings when you chose him over me. Every. Single. Time.”

“Why noooo, I wasn’t looking forward to seeing you for two weeks. Not at all. But it’s ok. I understand. I always understand.”

“Don’t preach to me about morals. You have none.”

“Why yes, I do love to wear clothes that flatter my figure. I like to wear jeans that fit my butt. I like to wear shirts that aren’t buttoned up to my ears. Bikini’s? Why yes, I do wear them. Alll summer long. Just because your wife doesn’t do this, does NOT mean I am going to follow in her footsteps. I like looking attractive.”

“I understand that your son is mentally handicapped and I am sorry. However, this does not give you leave to use him as an excuse. He is not a “mistake”. He is your son. He is equal to your other children. You should speak about him with an air of pride when you talk to other people, not shame. Shame on you for treating him as less of a person. Shame on you for talking about him like he’s a sore on your foot. Shame on you for not being a better dad. Shame on you.”

“Please don’t pick your nose and eat it in public. You are not 3 years old anymore. Thank you.”

You get the picture.

My mental list is loonnnggg. And I’m sure it will grow longer every single day.

So what abot you?

What do you wish you could tell others what you were really thinking?


About delightfulness

One sweet, quirky, delightful individual I am.
Gallery | This entry was posted in October and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Wet Underwear

  1. ‘I don’t want to live with you anymore!’

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