I HAVE CRAMPS AND I’M GONNA DIE

 

 

 

 

 

 

I recently wrote about PMS…

Still think you should run and hide boys…

The only thing that is equally as worse as PMS is…

Cramps.

I. Hate. Them.

They hurt.

They are yucky.

They are unnecessary.

Boys really lucked out in the reproductive process.

All you gotta do is stick it in and shoot.

Us females have to have “Mother Nature” visit us once a month…

For seven days…

And if that wasn’t enough,

We have to suffer through it too.

Cramps.

Bloating.

PMS.

Breakouts.

Cravings.

It’s enough to drive a girl to rob a semi truck full of Cheeze Doodles.

Trust me.

I’ve thought about it.

Heaven forbid if this country decided to shut down all food plants that produce the greasy, chocolatey, most unhealthy crap that girls consume for one week once a month.

This country would go to hell in a hand basket.

Not only would you have all the overly obese people everyone keeps talking about knocking down doors and robbing nice old ladies for coffee cake, you would have millions of pissed off, craving driven, wacked out girls freaking the fuck out.

I want my pound of chocolate when I want it.

Where I want it.

No exceptions.

If I have to suffer agonizing crippling spasms in my uterus and back, I had better damn well be able to satisfy the craving beast.

Not to mention we have to go through contractions.

Contractions are cramps on steroids.

We have to shove a baby through there.

Can you imagine trying to pop a baby out of your pee pee hole?

Doesn’t sound fun, does it?

Didn’t think so.

Oh sure, they can give us an injection that makes it less severe.

But I won’t forget the pain.

And I will try to break your hand when pushing.

It’s the sacrifice you’ll have to pay.

Side Note:

If I have to yell to shut the damn curtains- the nurses, the doctor, the grandma, the maintenance man, and you should all run and trip over each other to shut that damn thing.

I am already having enough trouble pushing this 5lb baby through there, I do not need the freaking sunshine in my eyeballs.

End side note.

I’m sure you’re thinking…why not just pop some Midol and quit your bitching?

Because.

Midol takes time to kick in.

That’s a whole 15 minutes of spasming.

And I have a right to bitch.

It’s not my fault Eve screwed the whole female population over from now to Kingdom come.

I can’t do anything about how unfair the whole situation is.

So instead of me kneeing strange men on the street for having a penis…I reserve my right to bitch.

It’s safer for everyone.

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About delightfulness

One sweet, quirky, delightful individual I am.
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