Fashion I Don’t Understand

Ok, as a woman I am bombarded with new “fashion trends” every time I step out the door.

Some of them are kinda cool.

Some of them are ok, but not my thing.

And some of them should be burned in a big pot of “what were you thinking” oil.

Here are some of the “fashion trends” out there that I do not understand.

Maxi Dresses:

Ok, so you want to wear a long shapeless dress that makes you look either A. Pregnant or B. Fat. They are in no way sexy, useful, attention grabbing, or any of the other nonsense things you think of when you look in the mirror.

And they are expensive. Why would I pay $80 for a dress that makes me look like a giraffe that had it’s legs cut off? Or $95 for a dress that looks like you cut up my grandma’s quilts and pieced them back together?

These should be put to good use and shredded and made into blankets for the homeless.

Bump Its:

Snooki…I hate you. Look at what you did. For some reason, you pull your hair so that it has a huge bump in the front and think it actually looks good. Then you put it on TV and BAM, thousands of girls want it.

So some genius thought of designing a piece of plastic to shove on your head and pull the hair over to Snookiefy it.

Ummm…

Do you realize you have a ginormous bump on the top of your head?

Do you realize it looks like you have the start of a conehead?

What the hell was wrong with it when it wasn’t 6″ tall?

Ladies, just stop.

You look ridiculous.

Pajama’s as Everyday Wear:

I understand PJ’s are comfy.

Hell, I shuck off my clothes and crawl into them right after work.

But, I restrain myself from going out in public in them.

No one wants to see me looking like I just rolled out of bed.

It takes an extra 2 minutes to pull on some jeans.

Wearing PJ’s out and about like they are your normal clothes makes you seem lazy.

I always end up wondering what their house looks like.

Or who their boyfriends are…

If they even have one.

Put a little effort into getting dressed.

Strive to be like the French Ladies.

They believe in creating a little mystery in their relationships.

They pee with the door closed.

And hang their bras in the closet.

Their men salivate after them.

Not saying I want to salivate after other girls.

It would just be nice to see everyone dressed normally.

Fuzzy pink bear pajamas are out.

Sexy skinny jeans are in.

So leave your slippers and bed head at home.

Matching Outfits:

As I was leaving my apartment building this morning,  I opened the door and received a little shock.

There was a young woman standing by the pop machine dressed in head to toe yellow.

And I’m talking about bright banana yellow.

I kind of had to stop and stare for a minute.

Her hair was yellowish blonde.

Her jacket was yellow.

Her pants were yellow.

Her socks.

Her shoes.

All yellow.

To make it worse it was that weird terry cloth material.

You know…that stuff they make bath robes out of.

She looked like she was an 80 year old woman ready to go jogging.

Cause honestly…

They are the only women I have ever seen dressed like that.

Now this trend of being one solid color seems to be catching.

This was the fourth girl I have seen in the last few months that thinks it is acceptable.

One girl was pink.

One purple.

And one green.

This. Looks. Terrible.

Do these girls even look in the mirror before they leave?

Or what in the world possesses them to go shopping and say, “Hey, an all yellow running suit! I’m going to buy it! I’ll look good!”

Or when putting it on, when she looked in the mirror, how the hell did she not see that she resembles a very misshapen banana?

Then to actually wear it outside your dwelling.

Is sheer lunacy.

Yes. You look like a lunatic.

Maybe you should consider going back to jeans and a t-shirt.

Simple.

Comfortable.

Sexy.

And…

Void of the crazies.

If it’s worn by a reality star “celebrity”…

Or shown on the runway…

Or resembles a large fruit…

Don’t. Do. It.