Next time I say I want a kitty or some other furry creature, someone please slap me and firmly say, NO.
I thought a kitty cat would be nice to keep me company after work.
And to cuddle.
And play with.
And test my maternal instincts on.
First off, this cat is the most mischievous kitty in the history of ever.
She will hide behind corners or under chairs or behind couches and when I walk by its ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!
My legs become climbing posts.
And chew toys.
I shit you not, all of my pants have little claw and teeth marks in them.
Then two seconds later when the BF walks in, she’s a mass of purring cute cuddly fur.
Snuggles right up to him on his chest and lap.
Closes her eyes.
And snuggles even closer.
I feed her.
Clean out her poop.
Make sure the blinds are open so she can sit on the ledge and chase leaves.
Make sure the radio is on during the day so she won’t feel so lonely.
And in return?
Not even a complimentary turd.
Which is exactly what she is.
A kitty turd.
One time she used her turds as weaponry.
I was playing with her in the middle of the living room with this little catnip mouse.
I would grab the tail and wiggle it in front of her and then throw it and she would go chasing after it.
We were both getting really into it.
Not noticing the BF was maneuvering the vacuum behind me.
All of a sudden WWWWHHHHHIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEAAAAA.
The Cat From Hell freaks out.
She goes flying past me and in mid-air…
Yep, a single lonely turd falls neatly on the carpet.
Right next to me.
She couldn’t pinch it off for a couple more feet.
Had to let it go right by my face.
I stared at it in disbelief for a few seconds.
And the blubbering begins.
The cat hates me.
Another one of her dastardly maneuvers is getting into the linen closet.
It has one of those folding accordion doors.
She somehow figured out how to stick her paw underneath and pull the door open.
What was she after you might ask?
We used to keep in on the bottom shelf but after coming home one day to the ENTIRE hallway covered in little bits of toilet paper, it is now safely on the top shelf.
Ha! Take that Cat From Hell!
After hunting her down after this little fiasco, I found her behind the couch sitting all dainty like with pieces of white fluff hanging out of her mouth.
All she had to say for herself was one little “Meow.”
Once the toilet paper was out of reach, she started going after my vitamin bottles.
I had them all alphabetized and arranged according to size.
She must have decided this made my life too easy.
So another day she gets into the closet and knocks them all down.
I come home and find her curled up in the corner of the closet, hugging one of the bottles.
I take the bottle from her.
Gentle Sleep Complex.
She used to be cute.
When she was little.
The first day we brought her home she fell asleep on my chest while I was watching TV.
She was so tiny!
And now she’s big.
And a meanie pants.
I do like to play games with her though.
I found out she likes to play tag.
You run over and pat her head and then run away.
She will run after you.
Our kitchen has two entry ways so you can run around the wall.
You can scare the shit out of her by waiting behind the corner and jumping out at her when she rounds it full blast.
She jumps at least 3 feet in the air.
Hair standing up.
Revenge is sweet my dear kitty.
I really should get her declawed.
But I can’t bring myself to do it.
Even after my arms are dripping with blood after one of her “playful” mood swings.
So my solution?
They are these little plastic caps you put on her regular claws.
First time I put them on her she licked and licked and licked at them.
But they held fast.
Remember what I said about revenge?
Oh I know she’ll find a way to get me back.
I can see her planning it in that peewee head of hers.
As she’s laying on the BF purring away…
Staring at me…
But I will be ready.
Armed with feathers, tinkly balls, and catnip…
Hiding under the couch…
Bring it on kitty cat!