Some part of my stubborn consciousness refuses to let go of what once was (I miss cake).
Not to mention, I will never, ever get used to the stomach pains when a little grain of gluten sneaks its’ way into my mouth.
I was diagnosed back in 7th grade.
I got extremely skinny.
I stopped growing.
So naturally they thought something was wrong.
I thought I was dying (I tend to be a wee bit irrational).
Brought me in after a sharp-eyed doctor read through my files and found that my ex Dr., who was coincidentally fired for malpractice, had written, “Possible Celiac” in my file.
The ex Dr. didn’t follow-up on it.
So I was left to be a thin, short, geeky girl inclined to suffer from terrible tummy aches for a few more years.
After the mistake was caught, I was brought in for an endoscopy (that is a whole separate horror story).
Turned out, I was allergic to gluten.
So not only was I not supposed to eat sweets as a diabetic (baaaahahaha yeah right), I now could not eat anything worthwhile.
No cupcakes, cakes, ice-cream cones, pie, cookies!
It was horrific.
Let me tell you, ten years ago, the selection for GF (Gluten Free) products sucked donkey balls.
They didn’t make GF cookies.
They didn’t make GF breads already baked (you had to buy the mix and then figure out the impossible combination to actually get it to rise).
They sold the basics.
Rice flour and cereals.
I was so fricken relieved when it became more of a mainstream problem.
I’m not saying that I was happy that the disease was becoming more prevalent and more and more people were suffering along with me, but I was happy that food companies were noticing our plight.
Today, I can go buy a GF pizza already made.
I can buy GF donuts.
Or GF cupcakes.
They even make GF bread crumbs! (So yummy on Chicken Cordon Bleu!)
Betty Crocker got smart.
They now make a GF line of cake (yellow and chocolate), brownie, and cookie mixes.
Bisquick makes their own GF pancake mix (my favorite!).
Companies got smart as well.
They checked to see if their product was already GF and if it was…heeeelloooo Smart Marketing.
However, I do have to point out…
If you see a bottle of water that says Gluten Free on its label, please Email me a scan of the label so that I may send a very nice and sweet and delightful letter to the company telling them to F Off…
I am also grateful that Restaurants care enough to accommodate me and my kind.
I no longer have to sulk in the back booth in a darkened corner over having to eat a bunch of lettuce.
I. Am. Not. A. Damn. Rabbit.
Thank you very much.
The two bestest places I frequent are Ciatti’s and Pizza Luce.
I’m pretty sure if I was a Kardashian, I would say screw marrying Chris Humphries or whatever his name is, and buy out the Ciatti’s franchise.
They make gluten.free.pasta.
It’s so freaking amazing.
I force myself to only eat half the dish….just so I can take the rest home and have an orgasm with it in the privacy of my apartment.
And hot damn, they have a GF dessert menu as well.
Double the orgasm please!
And if you have never been to a Pizza Luce, I highly suggest you drop whatever you are currently doing and go.
Yes you, drop that curling iron.
And you, put down the rifle (the neighbor kid will be back to steal your cabbages another day, I promise).
And go to Pizza Luce.
The atmosphere is simply amazing.
Most of them feature a local artist.
They tend to hire those with tattoos and piercings and fun personalities.
You don’t feel like an idiot if you ask your waitress/waiter a question.
AND THEY HAVE GLUTEN FREE BEER.
They. Have. Gluten. Free. Beer.
Do you know how awesome that is?
If I wanted to buy GF beer, I’d have to do it online and a case of 6 bottles plus shipping would cost me close to $40 (!!!!!!!).
And that’s if it’s made in the U.S.
So not only do you get top quality GF pizza (if you so choose, they have regular crust too) and GF beer (!!) you get the awesomeness of the staff and atmosphere.
It’s easily one of my favorite places to eat.
I have always felt like a burden to my friends and family.
Every time we wanted to go out to eat, we had to make sure there was something “Delightfulness Friendly.”
I’m pretty sure that’s where my extreme indecisiveness comes from (take note BF!)
After awhile, you get tired of always having to choose a place just so you can eat.
Why not just make the other people choose and then eat whatever you can.
This led to more rabbit food (bleck).
But at least everyone else was happy…
I think it made it easier on my mom when I moved out.
She didn’t have to worry about cross contamination anymore.
Or having to make sure there was always something for me in the cupboards.
My poor mommy.
But then I had to deal with “the look” from my new-found friends in college whenever they offered me something and I said I couldn’t eat it.
It was damn embarrassing at the time, because then I would have to launch into this big whole explanation of why.
After I got my shit straightened out with myself, I stopped caring so much.
It’s not like I could help what the hell I could or could not eat.
So now whenever I get “The Look”, I just say it’s either I eat what I want or I throw up on you. Your choice.
They pretty much shut up after that.
The same goes with those annoying people who always try pushing beer on me.
After the 3rd time of politely saying no, I’m ready to kick them in the twig and berries.
Snap it in half and squish them till there’s jelly.
There’s a reason I’m saying no.
Take the hint and drop it.
But no, there’s some persistent tick in their inebriated brains that won’t give up.
So then I say, “Sure, I’ll take a drink. Then you can either have your choice of puke or diarrhea in your lap. I’m allergic, asshole.”
And I walk away.
That usually works.
Things are a little better now that I’m such a homebody.
I make a point not to hang around people who are into the whole “I’m a snooty bitch and will put you down because you’re different than me” thing.
Yeahhh….go suck a lemon.
This past week, things have gotten a little better.
I’m no longer alone in my quest to find more edible GF foods.
A boy at work was just diagnosed.
I’ve kind of taken him under my wing.
It’s that maternal thing again.
And it’s nice to finally not feel alone.
Oh I’m not a dumb butt. I realize that there are thousands of others that cannot eat gluten, but there are none in my circle.
So they don’t really “get” it.
Like my aunt this past weekend.
She told me just to take a little bite of a flour tortilla, just to see what happens.
I know what happens.
I’ll collapse on the flour in agonizing pain while clawing my way to the toilet to wrap myself around it and kiss its bowl for the next two hours.
I have decided to take it with a grain of salt.
These people are a form of amusement for myself.
And who knows, I might just put this English degree to work and write a book about them.
Now that’s an idea I can savor.