Serve no purpose.
Get in the way during nooki time.
Not to mention going shopping for one is a whole ordeal in itself.
You have lacy ones.
Add Two cup sizes ones.
Ones with straps that criss-cross, hook left to right, over the shoulder, between the boobs, or disappear altogether.
Once you find one that you actually like, you have to go try it on to make sure the thing fits.
Get to the dressing room.
Try it on.
Grab another size.
Now you have to start the process all over again.
Unless you go to Victoria Secret.
They measure your boobies for you.
Now being a small chested woman, this gets to be a hassle.
Yes, Miss Victoria Secret Boobie Expert.
I know what size I am.
The problem is that the band doesn’t fit me with that size.
So unless you have that size with a little extra room for my rib cage, forettaboutit.
Put me up one size.
Then she blubbers and sputters and tells me no, no, no I’m wrong.
Excuse me Miss Victoria Secret Boobie Expert, but these are my boobies you are trying to smush into that bra-traption.
Not your ginormous lovely ones.
So I’ll take my larger size, thank you very much.
Then I have the problem of finding one I actually like.
I’m an extremely picky bra person.
It has to compliment most of my outfits as the straps frequently show.
If it happens to go under a sheer shirt, the pattern can’t be giraffe heads or angry birds (who in the world designs these things?).
The sparklies can’t be too ginormous otherwise they will show through.
It can’t be a rough material otherwise my skin gets irritated.
The straps should be removable in case I want to go strapless.
Aaaannnnnd it has to be sexy.
Because there’s a very good chance that I will be jumped upon once my shirt comes off.
Needs to look presentable, at least.
Now, if we didn’t “need” to wear these things, life would be so much easier.
I wouldn’t have to make sure the straps or pattern aren’t showing when I dress for work.
Or about the Two Cup Size bra making my boobies look larger than they are in a favorable light.
I wouldn’t have to struggle with a realllly pretty one that I realllly want but the straps bite into my shoulder or the disappointment of not being able to buy it because of this one small factor.
My boobs would be able to feel the awesome material of my silk shirt.
Or my deliciously soft sweater.
They would be free to bounce their happy little selves whenever I went down the stairs.
Or ran after the kitty cat.
They wouldn’t complain about having to be held up during “girly time”.
“Ok ok boobies! I surrender! I will put down the bra!”
Now there are advantages for the guys here too.
No need to practice the “one hand unlatch” maneuver.
Or the “what the hell is it doing in the front?!” face.
And once again….Easy. Access.
Bras are acceptable when used in tandem with lingerie.
All that lace and frills and ribbons and such.
Then it’s ok to hold my boobies hostage in the bra-traption, because I know the ransom will be paid.
And I’d finally be able to say…
STICK EM UP!