So. Not only am I obsessed with Conan…
I am obsessed with Russell Brand.
Even more so than Conan.
He’s super smart.
Hence the reason for his addictions.
He had all this knowledge and didn’t know how to release it effectively so he chose drugs and sex as his escape.
He also has a huge imagination.
I believe he said on Ellen that when he was little he was unhappy with his situation so he delved into his imagination because it was better than reality.
He started doing that as an adolescent..except through drugs.
Ok. I don’t love the man because of his addictions to drugs.
I love the man because he’s been 8 years sober.
And he’s funny.
A certified co.med.ian.
Not to mention he was in Forgetting Sarah Marshal (meh okay movie) which branched off into his very own movie, Get Him To The Greek (awesome movie).
Beans and Mash anyone?!
Then he wrote two autobiographies.
Booky Wook and Booky Wook 2.
I read them in reverse.
And after reading them, I gained a whole new appreciated for him as a person.
Plus his first encounter with Katy Perry was hilarious.
The 2nd encounter was even better.
It was easy for me to see why they married each other even though they were deemed Hollywood’s “Odd Couple” (the nicknamers obviously hadn’t read Booky Wook 2).
I just found out that he has filed for divorce.
I have mixed feelings about this.
They were my favorite celebrity couple to follow and obsess about.
I have watched almost every appearance either of them have made on talk shows and such.
I follow them on Twitter.
Which I could say, didn’t really do me any good as I just found out about this stupid divorce.
Oh woe is me for not having television.
Plus I have been sort of too busy to catch up on my internet browsings.
On the other hand, this means he is single again.
What I need to do:
#1. Buy a ticket for his show.
#2. Buy some fake boobies.
#3. Buy a very eye-catching outfit with killer heels.
#4. Practice making sexual eye contact.
#5. Secure a place with him backstage.
#6. Bone the Booky Wook.
#7. Convince him to fall in love with me.
#8. Marry him.
#9. Let him live his own life and promise to kick Rihanna in the vagina.
#10. Plan complete.
Now I won’t forget about my BF.
Since I’m not entirely sure he wants to marry me just yet, he can be my gigalo.
I will promise to lavish him with all the love and gifts he wants.
Hey…I need someone to keep me company when Brand is out and about.
I don’t think Brand would mind this arrangement very much.
As long as I gave him the same privilege.
Unless the BF wasn’t especially fond of me boinking another dude.
Then we may have a problem.
I might have to reformulate the plan.
Omitting marriage to Brand.
I’d really just like to boink him once.
Find out what all the fuss is about.
Which is another reason I love him.
He seems to know what women desire.
He seems like he’d be wonderful in bed.
Not sure about the whole disease thing though.
I’d be uber careful about that.
No man is worth that risk.
But it seems as if Katy Perry was just fine.
So that calms the fear a little bit.
But then again..it’s Russell Freaking Brand!!
I don’t think I’d be able to keep myself from hurling my body at him.
…might have to hire a big goon to bring with me to the show to make sure this doesn’t happen and ruin my chances…
Then again…throwing myself at him with my new boobies might be the trick I need.
I shall have to ponder this.
And his hair!
His hair is fascinating.
He actually looks good with long shoulder length hair.
And it’s curly/wavy (depending on which day it is) to boot.
But not a gross curly/wavy.
An enviable curly/wavy.
Makes him look like a bad boy rockstar.
Which I admit, are appealing too.
Plus I have a strange desire to braid it.
In lots of braids.
Just to see what would happen when you undid all of those itty bitty braids…..
Another obvious reason I love him…his accent.
I’m a sucker for a man with an accent.
A man with a sexy accent.
Which more or less is British, Scottish, Australian, or Southern.
Sorry, I’m not into the whole Indian accent thing.
Makes me think of curry.
And I hate curry.
Brand’s accent is so freaking adorable.
Especially since he likes to talk…a lot.
You’d basically just have to say a couple of words and let him go.
It’s like an adult version of a bed time story.
So once again, I am in love with a grungy, co-med-ian, with shoulder length curly black hair who has had sex with tons of women and is well versed in the world of drugs and is now getting a divorce because his estranged wife wouldn’t kick Rihanna in the vagina.