So Sparklebumps graciously nominated me for the Glitter E. Yaynus award which is bestowed upon those that blog too much about themselves (and whom have gloriously sparkly bottoms).
I think I occasionally fit into this category…ha!
Anywho, here are the glittery anus rules about this award:
Tell people at least five things you do that would make them want to kill you, or at the very least, make them hate you for the rest of their lives.
Well since I am a very strange individual this shouldn’t be too hard….
1. I can be occasionally…at times…most often…brutally honest. If I think your boyfriend is a sleezy piece of dog poo, I will tell you straight up. No sugar coating “Oh honey I need to tell you something..” crap beforehand. Nope it’s “Hon, your boyfriend is a sleezy piece of dog poo that has been around the block on quite a few whore’s heels before falling in your lap. Might want to get checked for herpes…” Unless I like you…then I might omit the whore’s heels part…but I will tell you to get checked for herpes cause that shit’s real.
2. I keep secrets. I have secrets that I remember from Kindergarten. And bitchy popular girls reeeeeeeaaaallllllllyyyyyy hate it when you don’t tell them what Miss Bigger Boobs Than You said about them in the lunchroom yesterday.
3. I’m secretly a huge judgemental and bitchy person inside my head. Yes you, I am judging you in your three sizes too small pair of “jeggings” and your overly dyed blonde hair and heavily mascara’d face and your “too lazy to wear jeans that fit properly” boyfriend.
4. I am not in fact 16 years old. Women may not hate me for this yet….but they will when I look like I’m 30 when I’m actually 50.
5. I have naturally straight teeth.
The next thing you have to do according to the rules is this: Blindfold yourself and walk out into traffic on the freeway.
I have no intention of doing this whatsoever and giving the person who made up this rule the satisfaction that there would be more room on wordpress for them to blog about themselves if I happened to so foolishly blindfold myself and walk into oncoming traffic in this high ranking town of bad drivers (I will not give this town the satisfaction of killing me either). This is MY blog dammit and I will keep blogging about ME because it’s MY blog. Besides, I double doggy dare you to do this rule with me. No response? Didn’t think so.
The third thing I am supposed to do is pick out five things that I would stick up my ass if I was forced to.
Hmmmm since the idea of anything going up my butt where my poo comes out is relatively revolting to me this one took some thought…and thiiiiiisss is the direction my brain took it. I apologize in advance.
1. Russell Brand’s wonky wonk. Just because I think he’d be masterful at introducing me into the art of anal sex. And because he’s British.
2. Anal beads. Why not?
3. Laffy Taffies. Because I think it would be funny to have someone reach up and pull one out and read one of the corny jokes on the inside flap.
Q:Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the leg of the chicken!
Har har de har har.
4. A can of whipped cream. Because every time I would toot, a little spray would shoot out.
5. Magician’s scarves. Because once you pull on one…they just keep coming and coming and coming….
I am also supposed to pick 5 bloggers who I think would also like to shove things up their ass and blog about it.
I’m not really sure who has and who hasn’t been nominated so far, but I will do my best:
1. PissyKittysLitterBox: Just because I would love to read her answers!
2. Pretty Feet, Pop Toe: Her grit and humor and opinions make one hell of a blog.
3. THEWORLDACCORDINGTOSCARP: I LOVE LOVE LOVE this woman’s blog! I wait with abated breath for her answers to this award!
4. NattieMoee: I’ve known this woman since Kindergarten and would be highly amused to read her answers.
Go forth and be prosperous my lovelies (and keep foreign objects away from your butt, you never know what can get s.t.u.c.k.)