I am writing this letter to inform you that you in fact…suck as a company.
Yes I’m sure your pizza is yummy (as a Celiac I have no way of knowing since you have steadfastedly ignored the growing gluten intolerant population, tsk tsk).
And yes, I’m sure you make lots and lots of money on said possibly yummy pizza…
And yes, you run lots of special sales to lure customers in…
And you have yummy cinnamon sticks and chocolate dunkers (the Boyfriend tells me at least)…
Yet despite all of these wonderful qualifications, I hate you.
The Nitty Gritty:
#1. Give me back my best friend you cocksuckers.
You do not need her 6 days a week until 1 or 2am.
You do no need to hog all of the normal daytime hours for your other incompetent employees.
Let her have a life.
Cause you obviously don’t have one.
#2. Fire your dumbasses.
The 18 year old Twit?
You do know that she spends 3/4th of her shift stuffing her face with your companies food and the other 1/4th gossiping about everyone else while trying to use her “bossy” voice which just ends up sounding like a man trying to jerk off while on Viagra.
You do know that she’s only 18 years old and for some ungodly reason you decided to give her managerial power? Are you trying to foster and encourage lazy egotistical behavior? If so, good job cocksuckers.
What a way to make all of your employees hate their jobs.
P.S. You also might want to tell her that muffin tops are NOT in fact sexy and that she should probably go up a size in the jean department.
P.S.S. Also, throw in that putting down other girl’s body types classifies her as a low human being with even lower self esteem.
#3. Give my best friend a raise.
On the busiest night of the year, she calls her boss and asks him to come in and help out and then he refuses because it’s “his day off” therefore leaving her there all by herself to deal with everything.
I hereby declare that this entitles her to a hefty raise.
She is also one of the few people at the establishment that knows how to do her fucking job and does it well.
Without her, your profits would suffer and your customers dissatisfaction would increase by 98% because all you would have left is the Good For Nothing Boss and The Twit.
#4. Get rid of those ridiculous hats.
They don’t fit a normal persons head.
Aaaand if you have short hair, they make you look like a man.
#5. Mostly, to sum everything up……
Fire Good For Nothing and make Sparklebumps the new boss.
And fire the the Twit bitch….
Or I may be forced to wait outside and hit her with my car.
And you do not want me on the opposing side of a law suit…
I will destroy you.
A concerned citizen.