Two things that greatly disturb me.
I have become chubby.
I have become lame.
How did this happen you may wonder?
Well the first one is quite simple.
I have eaten too many caramels.
I just couldn’t help myself.
They are so wonderfully sweet.
I would eat a few after I had my breakfast.
A few more during my first morning break.
A few more during lunch.
And again for my second 15.
And then maybe one or two oooooorrr maybe three more times when I got home.
Now a few weeks of this has increased my waist line a few inches.
Quite a few actually.
Okay, and maybe those two cheesecakes in the month of April didn’t help either.
And I probably didn’t need to make that angel food cake.
I think I may be mentally impaired.
Did I not realize that swimsuit season is almost upon us?
Did I not realize that my jeans would become a wee bit too tight?
So now I have taken to eating cottage cheese and crackers for lunch.
Cutting out all sweets.
And drinking flavored water instead of downing three sodas a day.
I just bought a brand new swimsuit this year dammit and I want to be able to wear it without sucking in my stomach.
So this chubby little woman will be eating healthier and going for more walks….
Or I could just be bloated…..
The second one is….that I have a full-time job.
A full-time job working with children.
That’s 40 hours a week with toddlers.
Plus an extra 12 if you throw in volunteering (also with children) and babysitting (also with children).
How does this make me lame you may ask?
I sing “This is the way we wash our hands, wash our hands, wash our hands. This is the way we wash our hands after we go potty” …..after I pee.
You can catch me frequently humming the song “Here is Thumpkin”.
The phrases, “All done” and “That is noooo noooo” have become part of my regular vocabulary when conversing with adults.
All of those conversation are about what this kiddo and that kiddo did to make me either A) Fall on my ass laughing or B) Want to punch someone in the jaw (since punching the kiddo would be “noooo noooo”.
I have invented a children’s song (not even shitting you) complete with appropriate hand gestures (if you would like to hear me sing it, please press like and I will make it available for download on your friendly neighborhood iTunes (I am only joking of course, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket to save your cat from a fire) ).
When I’m pissed off because Cash Wise has not restocked my favorite crackers, I cross my arms, stick out my tongue and blow raspberries (for those of you not familiar, this is when you stick out your tongue and make farting noises).
I boast about being a well oiled diaper changing machine.
So there you have it.
I have become a lame chubby diaper changing song inventing grocery store pouting raspberry farting Thumpkin humming…….child prison guard nanny.
Take that Martha Stewart.